Knock-knock jokes not your thing? That’s okay. I have a far more important orange-oriented update to throw your way. April is the ASPCA’s ”Go Orange for Animals” Month. So… GO! Get started with some of these apricot-colored accessories and tangerine-tinted tees. It’s so super trendy these days to support such a sensational cause for critters, that I think I’m going to take the liberty to officially unofficially announce it: orange is the new black.

[comic strip compliments of Barbara from codeshewrote.com]

Keep your fave furry friend safe with a fashionably free pet safety pack from the ASPCA! Their pet rescue window decal not only alerts rescue personnel that pets are inside your home, but it also doubles as daring decor, with a flash of Oh No! orange as the accent color. The safety pack also includes an ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center fridge frame donning some life-saving digits. If it’s that easy to talk yourself into indulging in this pre-spring weather with an early pair of espadrilles (and I know it is!), sending out for this freebie should be a no-consultation-neceassary kind of click.

 [free! order online from the ASPCA]

I didn’t have overly high expectations for the little dive in Alphabet City, but I was immediately taken by Bar on A with their orange and black decor, complete with synthetic snakeskin detailing around lights, poles, and other subtle spots. It was casual with no cover – and the show only had a $5 buck bill.

I had already decidedly given the Kitty Nights gang of girlies kudos for the super catchy catty show name. There were the usual scenes – a mix of sultry and silly, which I quite enjoyed. Plus, this particular night also included a special act by the fierce little lady who ran the show – Ms. Fem Appeal. While I’m not sure exactly how I felt about the Little Red Riding Hood reenactment, I can safely say the fur costume that was flung around were totally faux. And what a fabulous time it was overall. The motley musical selection combined with a little bit of glamor, sauciness, and striptease was just the right amount of entertainment and excitement I was looking for to take on the big two-five.

Here, kitty kitty…

Actually, for the third time that season, it was time. The dreaded closet clean-out – an activity that every shopping addict hates. In a squalid attempt to inspire myself, I turned to the experts: Finola Hughes, Tim Gunn, Stacey London, Clinton Kelly, and any other wardrobe editing expert I could think of. But have you ever actually read any of their essentials lists? Smart, sure. Practical – how about impossible. Who really has a total of 10 pieces in their wardrobe? Certainly not me. And if you’re reading this, my guess is probably not you either. Plus, sometimes it can be extremely difficult to give some items the boot. There’s that history together, the emotional attachment, the dependency, and those intimately shared moments of retail therapy. So how exactly does one do it when working with such volume? Well, I can’t exactly explain how I got through it all. But I can tell you what I ended up with. Being both a virtually unstoppable overstock-er and OCD organizer times ten, I decided my leftover items not only needed to be cherished, but also charted.

Or at least that was the original plan. My so-called attempt at a “retail run-down” list failed miserably as I still seriously had too many items to count. Sickening, but even so, severely less than I started out with. And although I don’t like to play faves(yes I do), I’m clearly a heavy hitter when it comes to scarves and cardigans. They’re so essential and multi-seasonal! But if you’re more of a well-rounded gal, it’s probably worth it to leaf through The Lucky Shopping Manual for some solid advice.

The upside of this whole experience, aside from some extra closet space, is that it left me a little more uncertain about my next sure-to-be-unnecessary splurge. I’ve learned it’s ok to swear off swiping some platinum level plastic for a bit and forget this weekend’s purely impulse fashion fix because I got everything I need right here.

*Warning: Do not attempt this stunt at home, unless properly supervised and armed with aftercare items such as extra creamy cake batter ice cream, mellow-out music, and a credit card shredder.

[$75 at rocknmoms.com]

And when I’m feeling extra fierce, I like to jazz up my basics easy-bake style with man-made synthetics from Hollywood Mirror. Every modern maven needs a punchy power tie and trendy belt to secure her smart status.

Now you got it, girl. And I think I’ve got it down too. Just one quick tip for sure success: Don’t take any lip – unless it’s from New York Color (or maybe a critical client – P.S. they all are) – ’cause they know what they’re yappin’ about. N.Y.C.’s Retro Red lipstick sends me off with enough moisture and shine to make it through my dizzying day. And although they put in a lot of lab time in order to pop out these top-notch tubes, they never test their products on animals.

[$41 Liquorbrand cardigan at greasegasandglory.com, $15 cap-sleeved shirt at oldnavy.com, $39.50 low-rise trouser at delias.com, red leopard tie and silver skull belt at hollywoodmirror.com, $0.99 ultra-moist lipwear at newyorkcolor.com]

[$12.99 at poopoopaper.com]

I was awoken early Saturday morning by a peculiar phone call. Now, I know what you’re thinking – classic When A Stranger Calls babysitter slasher story – but no… even worse. When I picked up the unknown number, I was greeted on the line by an all-too perky Bank Of America representative. She informed me that there have been an unusually copious amounts charges made with my card over the past few days. The rapid purchases and varied site visits was cause for suspicion of fraudulent activity.

A pause. Had my card been lost or stolen? Had someone swiped the number? Or was a part of a much larger scam?

As she continued on with her inquiry, she eventually asked for account verification and I, although still half asleep and hardly audible, was able to effortlessly recite debit card digits including the CVC code. And it was then, that I instantly knew where this now awkward call was going. I embarrassingly confirmed all the transactions as she very politely read down the list. My life had hit a new all-time low on the shopaholic scale of splurges. I was not a victim of credit card fraud. I was a victim of my own uncontrollable habit.

A fancy Frenchman once commented on overcoming addition, “The dead drug leaves a ghost behind. At certain hours it haunts the house.” A smart cookie, he was.

Apparently, my Lolita-Girl wearing ghost haunts me during the sleepless hours of the night. It is then, that the only sign of  life in sight is the glow of my blood-red laptop and my fast-moving fingers, as my ghost compels me to click, click, click my sanity away and stuff it in a virtual shopping cart.

True story.